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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24021286">you want to die for love, you always have</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunarists/pseuds/sunarists'>sunarists</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Rewrite, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya - Time Jump, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Post-Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya, Praimfaya | Radiation Wave, The 100 (TV) Season 4, the whole ontari thing, up until a point</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:40:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,265</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24021286</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunarists/pseuds/sunarists</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>moments in john murphy's life.<br/>(really, he hasn't always been so angry)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/John Murphy, Echo/Emori (The 100), Emori &amp; John Murphy (The 100), Monty Green/Harper McIntyre</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you want to die for love, you always have</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>canon compliant up until they go up to the Ring after praimfaya, then some divergence</p>
<p>tw: implied past r*pe (not explicit), implied past torture (not explicit), description of vomit (not explicit)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>John Murphy was happy kid, once. A long time ago, so long that it feels like a distant memory, but he had been. </p>
<p>Once. </p>
<p>Once, he'd gone by John. Once, his parents had been alive. Once, he'd had a best friend who he haughtily and affectionately referred to as John #2. Once, he'd gone to school and nodded respectfully at the guards and smiled at his teachers and looked up at the Chancellor in awe. Once, he'd bring drawings home and his mother would pepper his face with feather-light kisses while his father pinned his mostly-mediocre works on the wall of their little space on the Ark. </p>
<p>Once. </p><hr/>
<p>It's a literal fever dream- flashes of his mother and father arguing in hushed tones, him slamming through the doors while his mother bites her nails, takes his temperature, paces, does everything and <em>anything </em>than think about her husband's risk. </p>
<p>Murphy doesn't even comprehend it all- he's <em>sick, </em>he's really fucking sick, sick enough that his father's about to throw away everything and the last time Murphy sees his father, he's still so sick that he can't say-think-<em>feel</em> anything when he watches them suck the air out of his lungs and <em>float him- </em>and fuck, does he <em>float. </em>Murphy couldn't tear his eyes away. He can't hear his mother shrieking next to him, guards pulling at their arms, and they're <em>dragging </em>him and he's sick, he's sick, he's <em>really fucking sick. </em></p>
<p>Murphy wakes up in the hospital wing, hoping that maybe it's all a dream, that his father is in the waiting room anxiously. </p>
<p>Some dream it was, his father getting floated all because Murphy had the common <em>flu. </em></p><hr/>
<p>Murphy didn't realise it, but that day was the last time he saw his mother alive too. His mother wasn't his mother after a drink, and now, that's all she ever did. </p>
<p>He goes by Murphy. His parents are dead. He doesn't talk to Mbege much. He bunks off school and sneers at guards and flips off teachers and fights the urge to lunge at the Chancellor. He barely goes home and his mother doesn't touch him, doesn't love him and <em>dies </em>is too generous of a term for it. She festers, withers and <em>rots.</em> </p>
<p>He's 13 when he tries to set fire to a guard's office, and there's a satisfaction in the click of his cuffs, the way he's manhandled through doors and crowds. Maybe this is the closest he'll ever be with his father again.</p>
<p>Murphy is in Earth Skills blocking out Pike's droning voice when he wonders when the next time he'll be happy is. </p><hr/>
<p>The answer is never, he thinks, as his neck is jerked up with a tight pull of the red seatbelt. There's got to be some irony there- a seatbelt is meant for your safety, and now it's going to kill Murphy. </p>
<p>A scapegoat, a victim. Murphy- Murphy's not quite ready to see his parents again.</p>
<p>Bellamy <em>fucking </em>Blake is in the crowd, directly across from him, a few meters away, emotionless eyes and crossed arms and Murphy was so naïve to think that perhaps he'd deserved a friend. </p>
<p>The crate is kicked. </p>
<p>His nails are bleeding from clawing at the noose, his neck is bruising and he's losing his hearing- good, that's <em>good, </em>it's too fucking loud anyways, everyone's jeering and shouting and shrieking-</p>
<p>The last thing he sees before he's blacking out is a smattering of freckles. Or maybe they're stars. Murphy doesn't really give a fuck, because he's about to <em>die. </em></p><hr/>
<p>Murphy doesn't like thinking about what happened to him at that Trikru village. Touching healed scars, no matter how old, still feels strange. </p><hr/>
<p>Murphy doesn't like thinking about Ontari either. He's not quite sure if that's a scar that will ever heal properly. </p><hr/>
<p>Emori makes him feel <em>something. </em>Her with her caring hands and her gripping <em>edge </em>and her hunger for survival- it's like looking in a mirror, Murphy likes to think. </p>
<p>He can't really name it- maybe it's happiness. </p>
<p>Murphy wouldn't know. It's been so long that he's forgotten what it felt like. </p><hr/>
<p>There are worse people to fight technology-posessed Grounders with than Bellamy Blake. </p>
<p>"You're not the only one trying to save someone you care about." Murphy spits, kicking a stranger's head between the doors to allow them to shut. To be honest, he doesn't know who that someone is- Emori? Bellamy? Clarke? </p>
<p>Technicalities- he's too busy to think about it, as he smashes the butt of his gun against another intruders temple.</p>
<p>Something unidentifiable flashes over Bellamy's face, smudged with dirt and blood and those <em>stupid fucking freckles. </em>His curls are matted and sticking to the nape of his neck as he slashes at the doors again. </p>
<p>Bellamy doesn't think Murphy's <em>capable </em>of feeling or caring or <em>loving. </em>Bellamy doesn't think Murphy's capable of <em>love. </em></p>
<p>Murphy hates him. He hates him he hates him he hates him he hates him hehateshimhehateshimhehateshimhehateshim- </p>
<p>Murphy doesn't know if he's capable of love either, but damn if it doesn't mean he's going to <em>try. </em></p><hr/>
<p>Murphy's blinded by rage when he watches them chain up Emori, watches Abby with her jet-black injection because why <em>wouldn't </em>they pick Emori and Murphy? They're both fucked up- the mutant and the <em>cockroach, </em>what a fucking pair they make! Murphy's so sick of being caught in his naïvety, so sick of thinking <em>maybe </em>he's safe, maybe he can relax and someone pulls the rug from underneath him and it's a cycle that <em>never fucking ends- </em></p>
<p>"Fuck you." He snarls at Clarke, spitting at her feet, and relishes the way she flinches like he slapped her in the face. </p>
<p>It all happens so fast- Clarke's injecting it into her own veins, Abby's destroying the cryo-chamber with the wildest eyes and fearful demeanour he's ever seen from her, Abby, Abby, <em>Abby, </em>what is she <em>doing? </em>She just destroyed their chance at survival of Praimfaya! </p>
<p>It's too much. Murphy puts his head in his hands and closes his eyes, willing everything to be quiet for just <em>one fucking minute</em>. </p>
<p>He wonders how Bellamy is.</p><hr/>
<p>Clarke saves them. Again. </p>
<p>Murphy's being launched back into space at the speed of light when he hopes Clarke didn't die a painful death. </p><hr/>
<p>Murphy's first selfless act on the stupid Ring is taking Monty's algae. </p>
<p>"I-it might be toxic." Monty stammers anxiously, holding the first culture gingerly, his eyes flitting back and forth. "I- I don't know yet."</p>
<p>Monty can't risk trying it- he's their food and water, their oxygen and <em>life on this fucking ship. </em>Raven is out of the question. Monty would never feed it to Harper, and Emori's becoming their little backup pilot. </p>
<p>And Bellamy-</p>
<p>well. </p>
<p>Bellamy just <em>can't </em>be the one to take it.</p>
<p>Echo's eyes are flitting side to side nervously- she feels more like a stowaway than an actual passenger- she has no purpose on this ship, no alliances, <em>nothing.</em> Echo, who'd been so ready to die at her own hand, stopped just as the tip of her blade was poking into her stomach.</p>
<p>She's just as much as disposable as Murphy. </p>
<p>Clarke didn't die for Murphy to continue his sins.</p>
<p>"Give it here." He sighs. The rest of them look to him, wide-eyed and surprised. Emori's ready to say no, ready to take it- but she'd never take the chance it herself.</p>
<p>She's a survivor.</p>
<p>Echo's glancing at him with something akin to gratitude- she relaxes, and Murphy's glad to see her breathe again.</p>
<p>"With my track record-" Murphy says irately, trying to mellow their nerves. "- my chances of survival are high." He lets them laugh, lets Harper roll her eyes- is it <em>affectionately</em> that she comments, "<em>cockroach"? </em>She's smiling, her eyes are soft-</p>
<p>Murphy is not used to affection. </p>
<p>He opens the tube and lets a morsel slip down his throat, slimy and <em>wet- </em>he holds back his grimace, instead forcing a pained smile for Monty's sake. </p>
<p>"Delicious." He coughs, fighting back a gag. "Much better than the rat Emori fed me in Polis." </p>
<p>Emori barks out a laugh, and it sounds watery. Monty and Bellamy are looking at him anxiously, waiting for him to drop dead. </p>
<p>Murphy smirks. "I'm <em>fine. </em>Could do with some salt and pepper." </p>
<p>He stands up, taking two steps. It hits him like one of Bellamy's punches- you don't anticipate, don't hear it coming and you <em>feel it before you see it</em> just like most things that happen with Bellamy Blake-</p>
<p>At the back of his mind, he's registered that he's crumpled to the ground, and Bellamy <em>somehow </em>managed to catch him before he hit his head, and he's resting his head. It's so comfortable- Murphy wants to sleep, <em>Pramheda, </em>he's fucking <em>tired- </em></p>
<p><em>"You're </em>not<em> dying!" </em>Bellamy's shouting at him, but it's sounding like a whisper as Murphy's eyelids are flitting open and shut. "<em>John fucking Murphy, you did </em>not <em>survive this much just to be killed by some fucking algae!" </em></p>
<p>Murphy uses the last of his strength to pat Bellamy's hand. </p>
<p>"See you guys on the flip side." Murphy slurs, and his vision cuts to black. </p><hr/>
<p>Murphy's not quite dead- you don't dream when you're dead, do you? </p><hr/>
<p>
  <em>He's sitting between his father and mother in their little compartment- they're watching old sports matches, a long lost sport called soccer. Murphy loved watching soccer with his parents. His favourite player was Messi.</em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>He's being chased by John Mbege through the Ark. He sees Monty and Jasper sitting by one of the windows, but they're gone in a millisecond, because he's running, he's running freely. Faintly, he hears Mbege laugh behind him. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p><em>"I love you." Alex Murphy mouths, pressing his hand against the glass. Murphy presses his whole body against the glass, no, he </em>throws <em>his whole body against the glass, and maybe they'll save his father, maybe he'll float them both. He kicks and screams as the guards pull him away and his father wipes a tear away. </em></p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>Fire. It engulfs the office. Murphy had always loved fire. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>The first breath of fresh air- Earth air, so different from the Ark, sweet and alive- almost is enough to make Murphy laugh. Next to him, an older guy, older than 18, looks at him curiously.</em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p><em>A red seatbelt. Charlotte throws herself off a cliff- he didn't want this, he didn't want her to die, he didn't want a little girl to</em> die, <em>fuck! He just wanted to live! He can't look at his knife the same again. Bellamy's pounding his fists into Murphy's face, and he lets him. He deserves it.</em></p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>The Trikru camp- his whole body is burning, his flesh is hot with sticky red blood, his skin is on fire. Murphy doesn't think he likes fire that much anymore. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>The desert is hot- he's so desperate for hope that he's followed a madman halfway across the state. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>Ontari makes him sick sick sick to his stomach. When she's finished with him, he's dry-heaving onto the floor, coming up with nothing but feeble bile and water, the halls filling with the sounds of his retches. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>He's got Ontari's heart in his fist, and he's pumping it, willing himself not to go too fast, as much as he wants to kill Ontari, wants her to suffer. Clarke's saving the world, and he's saving Clarke. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>He's holding Raven up on the beach as they run. A bullet whizzes past his ear, but he doesn't let her go. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>He's running back for Monty- Monty's hands are burning, but he did it for the generator, so now Murphy's doing it for Monty. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. </p>
<p>
  <em>The rocket is launching and Clarke is gone. </em>
</p>
<p>Flash. <em>Bellamy is quiet, tears rolling freely down his face like the rest of them. </em>Flash. <em>Bellamy is running around the Ring looking for something, anything to do. </em>Flash. <em>Bellamy and Echo are duelling, burying their anger and sadness in the clang of swords</em>. Flash. <em>Brown eyes. </em>Flash. <em>Freckles, so many freckles. </em>Flash. <em>Bellamy Blake. </em></p><hr/>
<p>Murphy's blinded by fluorescent lights when his eyes fly open, and he's grabbing his sheets and stuffing his fist in his mouth to stifle a cry that he couldn't hold back. </p>
<p>He's alive, he's alive, it's never felt so good to be <em>alive. </em></p>
<p>It takes him a minute to process that he's not alone in this white bleached room.</p>
<p>Next to his bed is a slump of a man sitting in a large chair, his chin growing scruffy and his hair getting long and curling around his ears and neck and a bit of drool going down his hand where his head is rested.  Soft snores fill the room. He looks clean, his face absent of dirt and blood and all the debris Murphy's gotten used to seeing on him. He could count the freckles, he could, but he <em>wouldn't, </em>because that's <em>creepy. </em></p>
<p>Bellamy Blake looks like a different man within the peace of his slumber. So Murphy just waits, folding his hands.</p><hr/>
<p>He attempts counting the freckles, <em>only </em>because he has nothing else to do. </p><hr/>
<p>Bellamy wakes up slowly, rubbing his eyes and startling when he sees Murphy looking at him. </p>
<p>"You're awake." He says dumbly, amazed and maybe he's still asleep, maybe he's still dreaming? </p>
<p>"No shit." Murphy studies his own fingernails idly, and Bellamy laughs- it comes out croaky and surprised, like he hasn't laughed in a while.</p>
<p>(The silence of the Ring, the absence of Murphy's snarky comments and throwaway jibes had been <em>deafening, </em>but Bellamy would never say it out loud)</p>
<p>"I gotta tell the others." Bellamy's ready to jump out of his seat. </p>
<p>"Wait a minute, hotshot,"Murphy groans. "How long was I out?" </p>
<p>Bellamy looks at Murphy, biting his lip concernedly. "A week." </p>
<p>Murphy's eyes widen marginally, his eyebrows raising, and then they drop. "You been in that chair the whole time or what?" </p>
<p>Bellamy splutters unattractively. Murphy watches the older man's face heat up, and he scratches his scruff self-conciously. </p>
<p>"Yes- I mean, <em>no</em>- wait." Bellamy throws his hands in the air and scowls. "Shut up, Murphy." </p>
<p>Murphy laughs, laughs <em>hard, </em>and makes sure that Bellamy can hear it ringing all through the Ring as he goes to find the others. </p><hr/>
<p>Monty's apologies are spilling out of his mouth at the speed of light- there are some snippets of, "<em>the next culture is edible, I promise-" </em>and Murphy just snorts, because who could stay mad at Monty Green? </p>
<p>"We knew you'd live." Harper claps him on the back"You're too fucking stubborn to die!" </p>
<p>Echo gives him a hug. "<em>Thanks</em>." She whispers in his ear. Murphy flicks her in the side, and she grins at him.</p>
<p>"If only Bellamy believed that." Raven rolls her eyes. "Wouldn't leave that chair the whole week. How's your back after that, old man?" </p>
<p>Murphy looks at Bellamy, who's burying his head in his hands embarrassedly. Emori chuckles slowly, quietly. </p>
<p>Murphy doesn't feel anything but a lingering affection when he looks at her now. </p><hr/>
<p>It's only a few days later that Emori and him are ending <em>it, </em>whatever it is.</p>
<p>"We've changed." She says. Murphy nods- it was coming, he <em>knew </em>it was coming, but it stings nonetheless. </p>
<p>"I know." He says simply. "Still friends, right?" </p>
<p>Emori throws herself into his arms. "John, you're <em>not </em>getting rid of me that easily." </p><hr/>
<p>Echo teaches Murphy how to fight- it's Azgeda style, two swords, aggressive and offensive and <em>dangerous. </em></p>
<p>Murphy finds a thrill in the way the blades sing when they collide, and takes pride in the moments where he's managed to tap Echo with a blade. </p>
<p>"You're getting good." Echo says, her eyes glinting. "But I'm still better." </p>
<p>Murphy swings his swords in loops, baring his teeth in a sorry excuse for a smile. "Just you wait." </p>
<p>The Ring is filled with the sounds of their knives slicing through air, sounds of their swords clanging, sounds of their trash talk and friendly banter and Murphy doesn't remember when the last time he felt this good was. </p>
<p>Maybe it's happiness, Murphy looks out the window, down at the barren wasteland that Earth had become. </p>
<p>No- he'd know it when he felt it. </p><hr/>
<p>Sparring with Bellamy, however, is something <em>else. </em></p>
<p>It's <em>electric- </em>time becomes meaningless, and everything Murphy's ever been angry about, everything he's lamented over, everything he's cried over, he takes out on Bellamy. Bellamy seems to do the exact same, no hesitation, no holding back- even while he's got a physical advantage over Murphy, and he's fought like Grounders before, Murphy's quick, a fast learner, and most importantly, Murphy would do <em>anything </em>to survive.</p>
<p>Bellamy Blake's fucked him over before, and Murphy wasn't above a little revenge. </p>
<p>"Careful, Blake." Murphy mocks, knocking one sword out of Bellamy's grip. It slides across the hall, too far for Bellamy to reach it. "You're getting soft." </p>
<p><em>There- there it is. </em>The Bellamy Blake that Murphy was willing to follow off the dropship and into hell. The competitive spark in his eye, the cocky demeanour, and Bellamy's flipping his sword in circles, showing off and smirking. </p>
<p>"Gonna take more than a couple tricks to impress me, champ." Murphy says breathlessly- because of the exercise or because of <em>Bellamy,</em> he'd never know. </p>
<p>Bellamy lunges, not giving Murphy enough time to think, and they're going again, sidestepping and swiping and the bite of adrenaline that Murphy gets from it is unlike anything he's felt before. It's different, when he's not fighting for his life, instead just fighting for the fun of it. </p>
<p>It's fucked up that they've become such violent creatures that fighting is <em>fun, </em>Murphy muses to himself, narrowly avoiding getting his neck cut open. </p>
<p>"This isn't fair." Bellamy pants. "I only have one swords." </p>
<p>Murphy snorts. "I disarmed you fair and square. Your fault for sucking." </p>
<p>Bellamy snarls, swinging at his feet. His mistake. Murphy intercepts the sword with his foot, stepping on it and kicking Bellamy away from it. He pushes Bellamy against the wall and presses both blades against his neck. </p>
<p>"I win." Murphy breathes, relishing the way Bellamy's face <em>never fails </em>to redden when he's in a mildly uncomfortable situation. </p>
<p>"Wasn't fair fight." Bellamy rolls his eyes, stare catching on Murphy's mouth, dragging his gaze back to his eyes. </p>
<p>"Life isn't fair." Murphy releases him from the sharp chokehold. </p>
<p>"Fine." Bellamy retorts. "Let's go again." </p>
<p>So they go again. </p><hr/>
<p>"Kinda into Echo." Emori comments out of nowhere. They're sitting on a windowsill- Emori can't get enough of looking out at space, even after being in it for a year, and Murphy's not all that impressed with it, but sits with her anyways. They're sharing a bottle of Monty's still.</p>
<p>"Oh?" Murphy splutters, the bitter liquid burning the back of his throat. "I- uh, okay?" </p>
<p>Emori looks at him in awe. "Did- did you just stumble over your words?" </p>
<p>Murphy looks at her deadpan. "I make mistakes sometimes." </p>
<p>Emori bursts out laughing. "<em>Sometimes?" </em></p>
<p>Murphy recognises the stupidity of it. "Sometimes. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes sometimessometimessometimes." </p>
<p>They're drunk, still passing the booze between each other, their "<em>sometimes" </em>echoing through the corridor between hysterical laughter. </p><hr/>
<p>"You gonna do anything about Echo?" Murphy finally asks, minutes after they've calmed down, and had been drinking in peaceful silence.</p>
<p>"I don't know, John-" she says petulantly. "-maybe when you do something about Bellamy." </p>
<p>For the second time in a night, Murphy chokes on the alcohol.</p><hr/>
<p>Murphy finds an old soccer ball as he's exploring the lesser-touched areas of the Ring. </p>
<p>With a pang, he's reminded of his father and mother, how they used to watch old soccer reruns together, games that happened centuries ago- it's nostalgic, and it's not long before Murphy's blinking back tears. </p>
<p>"Fuck, is that what I think it is?" </p>
<p>Murphy startles, whirling around to see Raven. She notices his tear-streaked face and blotchy skin immediately. "Oh, fuck, Murph, I'm sorry-" </p>
<p>"No, no, it's not your fault." Murphy waves her apology away, when once he would have attacked her.</p>
<p>With a wrench in his stomach, a glance down at her leg brace- he remembers he <em>did </em>attack her.</p>
<p>"What's wrong?" Raven asks tentatively, walking forwards. Walking is smoother for her now, but there's a slight hiccup in her steps that never fails to make guilt pool at the bottom of Murphy's stomach. </p>
<p>"Uh-" Murphy chuckles wetly, holding the ball up. "My parents and I used to watch soccer all the time- before my-" his voice catches, and he's too sad to be embarrassed by it. "-before my dad got floated." </p>
<p>Raven smiles softly. "Me too. Before my mom became a drunkard." </p>
<p>Murphy lets out a bark of laughter. "Do we have the same mom?" </p>
<p>Raven grimaces. "I hope <em>not.</em>" </p>
<p>They stand in silence for a minute, looking at the dingy, flat, unimpressive ball and all that it meant to them. </p>
<p>"My favourite player was Neymar." Raven breaks the silence, and he's surprised to see her rubbing her eyes fiercely. </p>
<p>"Oh, come <em>on</em>." Murphy's voice cracked. "Messi was so much better" </p>
<p>Raven throws an arm around Murphy's shoulders, and they begin walking. "Okay- we're playing- I'll be Neymar, you be Messi, spirit of the Commanders style, asshole." </p><hr/>
<p>"It wasn't me!" Murphy and Raven say in unison when Bellamy gets hit in the back of the head with a ball, turning around and scowling. The two of them burst into laughter. </p>
<p>Murphy remembers when he'd <em>hated </em>Raven, <em>hated </em>her so much that he'd put a bullet in her spine- and now, <em>now </em>they're-</p>
<p>friends. </p>
<p>They're <em>friends. </em></p>
<p>Murphy looks like an idiot, smiling the way he is- his face almost hurts with how it's splitting open- he hasn't smiled like this in a long, long, long time. </p>
<p>He doesn't see Bellamy looking at him with something akin to amazement. </p><hr/>
<p>"I'm not sure if I deserve it." Murphy says to Emori. He knows that she knows what he's talking about, <em>who </em>he's talking about. </p>
<p>Emori grabs his hands- Murphy finds comfort in the glove that Emori can't bring herself to get rid of. </p>
<p>(It reminds her of Otan, of life on the Ground)</p>
<p>"John." She says softly. "You're a long shot from the angry motherfucker on the Ground that would throw anybody to the pits for a chance to live another day."</p><hr/>
<p>Murphy can't count the amount of times he's caught Bellamy staring at him, the latter turning away in embarrassment- the times they're sparring and Bellamy's just <em>distracted, </em>gasping when Murphy pins him down easily- the times they're walking to dinner together and their hands brush and the both of them stiffen, suddenly all too aware of each others' presence. </p>
<p>Emori looks at him from her spot on Echo's lap and mouths, "<em>you two are pathetic." </em></p><hr/>
<p>Like most major events with Bellamy in Murphy's life, it happens when they're fighting. </p>
<p>Murphy is leagues away from the Murphy that couldn't throw a knife at a tree and make it stick- he's a weapon now, just as dangerous as his companions and he sort of-maybe-perhaps thinks that when they eventually-maybe-perhaps go back to the Ground, he's got a fighting chance. </p>
<p>Bellamy tosses a sword up into the air and catches it with ease, swinging it around slowly as they begin. Murphy's grinning at him for a split second- and they're off, spinning and lunging and slicing- it's exhilarating in the best possible way- reminding Murphy of how he felt after a successful robbery with Emori, how he felt when he finally made the knife stick in the tree, how he felt being chased around the Ark by John Mbege. </p>
<p>Bellamy disarms him easily in the midst of his distraction, knocking Murphy to the ground and pinning him there, his knees on either side of Murphy's ribcage and the hilt of his sword pressed against Murphy's neck. </p>
<p>"What's wrong with you today?" Bellamy asks, concerned. "You've haven't been that easy to beat since we got on the Ring!" </p>
<p>"I was distracted." Murphy folds his arms behind his head. Neither of them are particularly inclined to get up- Bellamy's sitting on Murphy's chest anyways, leaving him immobile for as long as he sees fit. </p>
<p>"By what?" Bellamy scratches his beard confusedly, tossing his sword away idly. "You're not sick again, are you? If you are then you definitely should go talk to Monty- Harper had that bug the other day, the last thing-" </p>
<p>And maybe it's the emotion that overwhelms him when Murphy realises Bellamy <em>cares, </em>cares <em>a lot. </em>Maybe it's the adrenaline from the fight that finished as quickly as it started. Maybe it was feelings that Murphy's been repressing too long, far, <em>far </em>too long. </p>
<p>Whatever it was, that something possessed Murphy to grab the collar of Bellamy's worn shirt and kiss him. </p>
<p>It's short, fast, and Murphy lets him go quickly, but Bellamy doesn't run away, doesn't punch him in the face. </p>
<p>"Oh?" He says dumbly. "Really?" </p>
<p>Murphy nods, and he closes his eyes in embarrassment, <em>know</em><em>ing </em>his face was heating up. </p>
<p>And Bellamy kisses him again, his mouth curved upwards against Murphy's</p>
<p>And they kiss again. </p>
<p>And again. </p>
<p>And again</p>
<p>And again. </p><hr/>
<p>"A long, long time ago, I wondered if I'd ever be happy again." Murphy is combing his hands through Bellamy's hair idly as they lie in bed under the warm duvet. "And since then, I think I- I think I've sometimes been close, but I always thought I'd know as soon as I felt it again." </p>
<p>Bellamy looks up, peering into Murphy's eyes. </p>
<p>"And?" He presses gently. </p>
<p>"I think this is it." Murphy smiles. "It's been so, <em>so </em>fucking long, but I think this is it." </p>
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